that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
