So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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