I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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