He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
