I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
