She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
