Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
