you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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