This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
