i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just cropdusted the office
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
