Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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