I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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