in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
