..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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