Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
