my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I could make wine with my vomit
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
