In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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