I'm lost and stupid without you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
