as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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