I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We got so high we made milksteak
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
