Michael Bay diarrhea
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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