I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
