Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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