you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
