My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
