a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
