I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
