Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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