im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
