9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just want to make out with him forever
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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