Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
