she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
