its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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