And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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