a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
