you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
