i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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