At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
