i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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