So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
