I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
