You're a womanizer and a bitch.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
