So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I wear drunk well.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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