i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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