i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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