I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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