so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
