Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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