Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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