Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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